charm as a weapon

When we imagine an abuser, the mind often conjures someone overtly aggressive or threatening. Yet some of the most dangerous perpetrators of abuse are those who can effortlessly charm an entire room. 

The Sociopath Next Door

Psychological research suggests that 3–4% of the population exhibits sociopathic traits — a distinctive neural wiring marked by a complete lack of empathy and skilled manipulation of others. 

This means that at any given time, there could be several sociopaths in a medium-sized office, police station, hospital or governmental department. Harder to believe but consequently true, there will be one or two in a typical school classroom. 

These individuals often present as engaging, persuasive and highly entertaining. People tend to be disarmed by sociopaths’ magnetism: judges, police officers, teachers, colleagues, and friends alike. Traits that facilitate coercive control — strategic thinking, lack of empathy, dominance, and persuasive charm — can also lead to career success. Sociopaths can outmanoeuvre colleagues, secure promotions, and earn the trust of decision-makers, including those who may later be asked to evaluate allegations of abuse.

At home, however, the picture can be wholly different. The way that an abuser exerts total control over a family member is described as a form of domestic terrorism - many survivors say that this psychological abuse can be worse than the physical violence, as it’s insidious and relentless; leaving deeper and longer lasting wounds. 

Specialist Advocacy Matters

Acknowledging that a small but significant proportion of people around us may be neurologically predisposed to exploit others is essential — not as a cause for paranoia, but as a lens for understanding why some abuse remains hidden and ensuring it’s dealt with properly once it comes to light. Unfortunately most people dealing with allegations of abuse are not sufficiently trained in this.

Having an expert by your side — whether in court proceedings, divorce consultations, police interviews, or other formal settings — can be invaluable. Someone who understands the dynamics of coercive control can help you recognise manipulative tactics, anticipate the abuser’s strategies, and advocate effectively on your behalf, ensuring your voice is heard and your rights are protected.

Court Culture: When Abusers Pose as Victims

In both family and criminal courts, credibility is everything. Who is believed? Who is dismissed? For survivors of domestic abuse, this question often determines their safety - and too often, the answer falls in favour of the perpetrator.

This is not an accident. Many abusers are skilled at manipulation. They can be charming, articulate, and persuasive - the kind of people who know how to win over colleagues, friends, and even judges. In contrast, survivors frequently present as anxious, distressed, or fragmented. Their trauma speaks through their body language and their voice, and all too often this is misread as unreliability.

The DARVO Pattern

There is a term for the way perpetrators flip the script: DARVO -  Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. First, they deny the abuse. Then, they attack their partner’s credibility. Finally, they reverse roles, portraying themselves as the true victim.

In practice, DARVO is devastatingly effective. A perpetrator may come across as the calm, reasonable party. The survivor, by contrast, may appear angry, emotional, or inconsistent - perfectly natural responses to trauma, but ones that can undermine them in the eyes of professionals who lack training in abuse dynamics.

The Missing Question

Many agencies have tools for identifying the primary aggressor, but one of the simplest markers is too often ignored: Who is afraid of whom?

A perpetrator can study how victims “should” behave, borrow language from awareness campaigns, even rehearse tears. But what is almost impossible to counterfeit is genuine, lived fear. Survivors carry it constantly: in their vigilance, their hesitation, their guardedness. Yet in courtrooms and case conferences, this question - who is genuinely in fear here? - is rarely asked.

Why Expertise Matters

This is where specialist knowledge becomes critical. A professional trained in coercive control and power dynamics can: 

• Spot subtle signs of manipulation and control that others overlook.

• Help professionals - from teachers and social workers to police officers and magistrates - understand the tactics perpetrators use.

• Advocate for survivors so their accounts are not drowned out by the perpetrator’s performance.

Without that expertise in the room, survivors risk being mischaracterised, or worse, treated as the aggressor.

Moving Beyond “He Said, She Said”

Domestic abuse is not simply a clash of two perspectives. It is a pattern of control, intimidation, and harm. When professionals focus only on presentation - who looks composed, who looks disordered - they completely miss the truth.

That’s why it is so important to bring in expertise that can unpick these dynamics. At Selene, we specialise in identifying the dynamics of coercive control and helping to ensure clients’ voices are heard in systems that too often fall short.